Ken's Colander

2004-02-05T06:45:00.000-08:00

So, it's been a whole year.

I guess things with me do tend to dwindle, that's just my nature I suppose.

I hope things have been good with everyone. I've been pretty good - it's been a busy year, I can't remember how many servings of pasta I've helped created now - and that's before Chicken Chow Mein. Sometimes it can be exhausting work, you know.

And getting over the abuse, of course, I was glad to find out that I wasn't impregnated, unlike the sponge. I took the mickey out of her a lot, that was until she called me a drip. I weeped for weeks.

Ken has been doing well too, still working hard as usual, he had recently got offered a promotion! You'd think this is good news, maybe I would get to strain POSH food, rather than TESCO VALUE items. But NO, he's been CELEBRATING by keep buying Take-away foods. HELLO KEN! TAKE AWAY FOOD DOES NOT REQUIRE DRAINING.

Le soupir, you give a boy money and that's all he'd do to you. He'd promised to use me soon though. Someone help him find a girl, maybe he'd try and impress them with cooking or something.

Actually, you know, soup is liquid, however, you don't normally drain those through a colander either (but why not?).

2003-01-13T09:33:00.000-08:00

Lisa knows a colander that's been abused

Well Lisa probably doesn't, but last night Ken has finally found out about the shameful secret I've been trying to hide from him for a while.

I'd been abused.

It all started on one fateful night. I was sitting in my shelf, pining for Ken to open the shelf door and run me through with warm water when the shelf door opened. Instead of the joyous sight of a hungry Ken, it was the evil, evil face of Ken's flatmate, who just ripped me out of the saucepot I was sitting on, and into hell. For the next few minutes I just tried to pretend that I was in a bad dream as he ravaged me, running his dire, filthy grapes into my insides while I shiver in the tears and the freezing water that was being forced upon me.

An eternity later I was left to dry, dirt ridden, soiled whilst the siluette of demon vanished into the distance..

By the time Ken found me sobbing in the sink the deed has been done, Ken was going to confront the man, but the last thing I want now is to be reminded of the horror, the indignity, the shame. I wish my troubles will just drain away.

2002-12-11T05:55:00.000-08:00

le soupir...

Since Ken has been neglecting me lately I've taken some time to take up language lessons. Well or maybe just some web-based research. More specifically I've been trying to find the origin of the phrase "le sigh", which always reminded Ken of "Dickhead" because some kid in his German class shouted it out but then told the teacher that he was actually trying to say "Fathead" because Dick means Fat in German. And instead of getting a detention the kid was instead informed that "Dick Kopf" ist "Fat Head" auf Deutsch.

My search proved futiel.all I can find is 9938442 blog entries that referenced this phrase. Buggero mi shiny stainless steel arso. Does anyone know the answer to this?

2002-12-02T05:13:00.000-08:00

Hummph.

I am getting the feeling that Ken is neglecting me. And I hate it.

Well he hasn't actually done anything specific, but then I guess that's the essence of neglect. He got his first full month salary paycheque last week, and what did he do? Spend spend spend.

What did he buy? LOTS AND LOTS OF DRIPPY THINGS THAT NEED TO BE DISTILLED. I wish. Nope, he got himself stupid things like a travelcard that lasts a year (what good is a stupid travelcard when your plan is to stay in the kitchen for the rest of the year and drain things?) amongst other things. And lots and lots of electrical fancies that seem to forever occupy his time. I hate it.

Thomas Edison is now my arch enemy, he invented electricity right? He didn't? ARRGH I now hate him even more, and that Alessandro Volta, too, for inventing the battery, and stupid, stupid Benjamin Franklin, stupid man, why did you prove that lightning was electricity? Who needs electricity when you have a bowl with holes? All that water dripping everywhere, you can easily electrocute yourself.

Anyway Ken better stay in tonight and he better use me to make a curry, or he's gonna get himself a hell of a shock.

I'm glad none of you have been neglecting me, though, and leaving me such nice comments. As I was reading through them I felt a trickle down my face as I was so moved, but it could just have been because Ken left the tap running.

2002-11-19T04:01:00.000-08:00

long time no sieve!

did you miss me? I hope I haven't been leaving you with a big hole in your heart, I know the feeling when you're full of holes, but that's the curse of being a colander.

Ken has been really busy lately, but not excitingly busy, dully busy - he's even been going out socialising and stuff - boring! He should be at home cooking, and colanding. He's been working too hard, too. Last week he's done a 42 hour working week. Sigh, I guess it's really true that work is the curse of the cooking class.

But things are picking up again, though, since Ken has finally got his car insurance sorted and now he's with wheels! This is a mixed blessing, through the one hole, he can once again drive to the supermarket in order to buy things to drain, on the other perforation, he might spend his whole day driving around again rather than percolating - he loves driving far too much for his own good.

One thing that would keep him at home at least is his romantic solitude. He keeps going on about how he wants someone who can really make him laugh, someone who can really connect with his mind. Sounds like hippies-talk to me. Shame, really, if it's orifices he's after, I've got plenty of those.

2002-10-24T08:23:00.000-07:00

Si, mama mia, ciao.

Ken is feeling (insert word here)sick, today. Being (insert word here)ick is like being homesick, but only instead of longing for home you're longing for (insert word here), where (insert word here) includes too many things for a word to describe.

The world would be a better place if people are allowed to have their own section of the language - a bit like how people can register bands of radio wave frequencies. Then maybe I can register for words with prefixes between ASP-AST for me to give words whatever meaning I like. Like how I could well now be using "Asquitadum" to mean:

one's family, places one's visited, people one knew and liked, and generally the kind of good times that one once had but doesn't happen anymore.

So, my Italian greeting at the beginning of this entry, normally I don't speak in any languages other than English, I mean, Asphuck the other languages! They're all Asshit anyway, but last night Ken made some pasta for the first time in this house, and once again me and my partner in crime the garlic press combined forces and mmm I have to say it was yummy.. I was literally drooling chicken stock before Ken had even finished cooking!

With some luck, Ken's going to be making a burrito this weekend, it's going to remind him of Chicago - he hasn't had a burrito ever since he left Chicago - he has never had one before he got there - Ken misses Chicago.

He's been asquitadumsick for a while, to be honest.

Definitions
-----------
ASPHUCK = I can't speak
ASSHIT = too difficult for my stainless steel brain full of holes to master

2002-10-14T16:43:00.000-07:00

Aw.

Ken found me a little friend, he went to Ikea the other day and instead of getting furnitures like he should, he got himself a Garlic Press! It is like a mini-me! All stainless steel and full of holes! It is amazing, I was watching it when it turned this lump of garlic into a mush, and the skin stays behind ready to be peeled away. Ken loves it, if I'm not slightly smitten myself my this garlic press I'd probably get jealous of the attention it is getting.

Ken went to Glasgow last weekend too, he looked so much more relaxed than before his trip - I'm so relieved. Let's hope that it stays that way.

2002-10-07T19:34:00.000-07:00

Howdy hole again. Mmm. Yes.

Ken went out in all his winter clothes today, guess it must have been cold outside. It was freezing in here. If I had a nose I bet I'd be dripping bogey everywhere by now. A good thing I'm just a colander, or rather a good thing colanders don't get colds.

What a nice summer it's been, though. I can almost still remember the day Ken bought me, 7am at Tesco hungover after drinking at some club. He's always drinking nowadays, I think he's ought to stop before he goes crazy. He'd probably start to ditch noodles for burgers, and what good is a colander with a burger.

2002-10-02T14:40:00.000-07:00

And after a week a bit the whole moving saga is now finally complet! One more e and it's all done. It's been a crazy week and everything was happening at once and Ken almost couldn't handle it all. It's hard being a boy sometimes, you have to take everything in and keep them there. Not like us colanders we can just let things all come out, because that's what we do.

Ken's new house is niiice, and the kitchen is so much better than before! Ken was so happy with it he's already made a colander-using meal last night and he's making a curry tonight and he promised to use me to filter out excess oil! I'm going to be one hott colander. mmmm yesh. It's nice to have someone looking after you.

2002-09-23T05:48:00.000-07:00

Well, Ken's move to his new home is finally compl. That is, half complete. He's managed in one day to haul all of his stuff that he's ever owned from Milton Keynes down to London, and then haul all of that up two flights of stairs into his room. His room is looking nicer and nicer, apparently.

I have never seen it yet, as I'm still stuck in the old room *sigh* - which incidentally is getting mouldier by the day, good thing that moulds don't seem to find stainless steel particularly appetitising, moulds have such bad taste, bad aftertaste, too - hopefully I'll be in my new residence not before long, or I might cry and there'll be water all gushing out everywhere again, anyway, I egress. I mean, digress.

2002-09-17T06:25:00.000-07:00

Well the sweating seems to be over and instead bliss is starting to spout. After a week of hell, Ken's rewards for slugging it out with house hunting and working 45 hour weeks were:

1) finding a great new flat with his friend and getting a huge! room. The room is so big that if Ken puts a bowlful of water through me (oh the thought of it! *swoon*), I won't be able to saturate the whole carpet.
2) finding a JOB! Ken couldn't believe that he actually got a job from the interview. Funny though he didn't get the job he was applying for, but he got offered a different one! Now he'll be doing what he's doing now, but getting paid more! So he can afford to buy more food that needs to be rinsed and drained!

The best news though, was that he made himself some chicken chow mein last night! I couldn't help but dribble when Ken put his warm delicious noodles inside me, and I made a bit of a mess of myself, but some Fairy Washing Up Liquid later I was good as new again.

2002-09-12T01:24:00.000-07:00

Oh my, today Ken has a job interview, he was so worried about it last night too that he once again had neglected to make dinner. I don't mind, but I really feel that he's preparing for his interview all wrong.

He spent all night just trying out his new trousers to see if they looked spot on, they did, but that doesn't mean he was going to get the job! What he really needed, instead of fancy trousers, was some nice Spaghetti Bolognese - al dente, with cold water poured over it and drained.

Still, I hope he gets the job - then he'll sure be cooking something nice to celebrate. Wish him luck.

2002-09-11T01:40:00.000-07:00

I seriously think that Ken has gone off of me, last night he got back from work, and he just fell asleep! He didn't even bother to make dinner at all. His excuse was "I am tired". He must think that I'm as thick as a mixing bowl to believe that.

It's been three days without any colandage.. sigh, I just hope that Ken isn't seeing someone else, oh my god, not the FOOD PROCESSOR. I knew it. He's always had a thing for electronic gadgets. Humph. I better get some attention tonight, or he's gonna get a good kick where the pasta don't drain.

2002-09-09T15:58:00.000-07:00

It's been a lonely night here in Ken's bedroom. Ken was all set on making chicken chow mein tonight and he was going to use me to drain the egg noodles before stir-frying. But recently Ken has been under all kinds of stress with work and house hunting and just general chaos in life, that as he got home he couldn't bring himself to go out shopping again - and ended up just eating instant, and colander non-needing, noodles.

He needs a day off. Hopefully things will calm down soon so he'd start cooking again.

2002-09-08T15:10:00.000-07:00

Hello I'm Ken's colander, I'm great and made of stainless steel. Things like me are why Ken's money keeps going down the drain. Haha the drain, if you catch my drift, or my drips.

I'm quite hilarious for a colander, wouldn't you agree?

This blog has only started today but in the future it will be filled up with all kinds of exciting liquid filtration adventures!